Rockin' with Josh

Tomorrow's the first day of my senior year. It's a day I'd been dreading basically since the beginning of sophomore year when I finally started making friends again. I didn't want to deal with this year. I had friends for my sophomore year, even more friends for junior year, and senior year was the year when that was all going to change.
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I got my class schedule for the fall. Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually looking forward to senior year. All last year, I was dreading this year, but I really don't think it's going to be too bad.
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I had a date tonight. A real, live, not on the phone date. I don't know what I was hoping for going into it. Just a nice fun evening with a guy who I've enjoyed talking to at the mall.

Now I need to find somewhere else to buy sodas before work. And I'm a jerk.
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This has been such a long week. I've been trying to push things aside and just have fun. I had lunch with Erica, went to the movies with mom, took Brett out for pizza and laser tag, worked, had a softball game, and hung out at Erica's after the game. So, normalcy. But in the back of my head, it's still there, the fact that my sister's gone and the future is so uncertain. I don't know where she's going to be after September, or after the advanced stuff is over. She could just get a base job somewhere in the states, or she could get something overseas, or she could get sent over to Iraq. I don't even like to think about that next part but it's hard to avoid. I don't know what I'll do if she ends up over there and just the thought of it scares the hell out of me.
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I started therapy this morning. It's my birthday present to myself. I found a therapist in Lawrenceville who does group sessions for people who are like me, afraid of flying. It's to the point where I need to do something about it. We'll have the flight down to Miami again for Christmas, and we'll probably be going to Georgia in the fall to see Allie graduate from basic training, but I can't always have my parents with me if I go somewhere. I'll have a senior trip next year. I've got Ducky out in California. My friends are all close by, for now, but who knows what will happen in the future? Barbara could end up at the Olympics for all I know and the way it is right now, I'd be watching her on tv which is not the way I'd want it at all. So, I have to do this. For myself, for my friends, and for my future. It's every Tuesday morning, I'll go when I can, and I plan to go pretty much regularly. I need to do this.

And there's the door, it's Erica. Can't wait to see what we'll be doing tonight.

So, Allie is going to be joining the army. Or already has, I guess. She told me on Sunday and we told mom and dad that night at dinner. Just like I knew they would be, they were totally supportive. I think mom wanted to cry some but she held back. Allie leaves next month for basic training in Georgia and she's thrilled. I'm happy for her. Worried, of course, but also happy, because she's so happy. It's going to be hard not having her around. I won't be able to go meet her for dinner or spend the weekend at her dorm. And if I go to Southern Connecticut, she won't be in New Haven with me. I'm excited though. I think this will be good for her.

I've got my birthday in a week. It had completely slipped my mind. Last year was the driving birthday. This year... I can see R-rated movies, which I can see anyway because no one ever checks, so that's really it. Plus, I don't even know what I'm doing for it.

Meanwhile, my friends are all back from the senior trip, it was great seeing everyone at the game last night. I tried not to get too bored with everyone gone. I was helping Uncle Mike and Aunt Eileen and Brett move into the new house, I went to Six Flags one day with Liza and some of her friends, and I worked.

But I still missed everyone.

Just one more day of school left. I'm simultaneously looking forward to and dreading next year. I've got two incredible things going for me. I'm captain of the swim team and I'm now officially yearbook editor as well. However, I keep thinking that one great thing about those positions is that the'll keep me busy, which I'll need next year. I won't have all my friends around school anymore. I'll have Liza, and that's all I really have in my class. And we're not nearly as close as I am with my other friends. Maybe that'll change though. We're going to hang out over the summer and she told me she's thinking of yearbook for next year too, so if she does that, we've got at least one class together. Next year just isn't going to be able to measure up to this year, not by half.

However, I'm looking at things in my life positively right now. I'm yearbook editor and swim team captain. I'm going to do my best to live up to how Rick and Barbara ran things. I've got a great summer ahead of me, full of fun times with my friends, softball games, and who knows what else we come up with in there. I've got a great guy who I spent one of the best weeks of my life with, and even though he's 3000 miles away, I'm not going to focus on that. We've got the phone and we've got email. That's good enough for me. And I know we'll see each other again soon. He's also just another thing on the list of reasons why I need to work on my fear of flying, which I'm starting to look into.

Allie's home, she got home today, and she's going to be here all summer. She seems to be doing so well. I think she's finally feeling better about what's been going on with the family and with herself, and she just seems more at ease with herself and she's just her usual great self. I'm so happy to have her back in the house. Brett's here for another couple of weeks, until they move into their house. He's had a great season with baseball and he's already looking forward to next year.

Life's pretty awesome right now, if I do say so myself.

He leaves tomorrow

This past week has just been a complete whirlwind. I've seen him every day that he's been here. He's met my friends, and gets along with them. He fits in with my family so well.

And then he has to go back to California. We talked last night. We had this huge talk about how we see us, if there is an us, what we want to do once he leaves. And we decided that we aren't going to do anything. I'm crazy about him, and he said that he is about me as well. But we know that we can't be in a relationship when we're on opposite sides of the country. He has his life in California, and I have mine in Connecticut.

We're friends, though. Good friends. And that's what we're going to keep up. There's no telling what could happen in the future but for right now, I've got a great new friend in my life.

One who I'm going to miss the hell out of come Sunday.

Right now, I'm feeling the happiest I have in awhile.

I mean, I'm always a happy guy. That's just who I am. But lately, everything's just coming together. Things were getting rough for awhile. Erica and I were having problems, I lost Gordon, and the stuff in my family, with Aunt Eileen and Brett, that all just threw me. I thought I was doing ok with it all. But now that everything's going better, I'm feeling more relaxed and content and just at ease with life.

Brett's back. He's his old self again. I love it, we're having fun just hanging out now. I'm so glad they're moving here. It's going to suck not having him around the house all the time but it'll be great having him in town.

Erica and I are doing so much better. I think now that we got all our stuff out in the open, we're just relaxed around each other and we can have fun together. She's my best friend and I've missed that when we've been having all our stuff going on. We just have a blast together lately. And things are better now with Robert too. We talked the other day, got over everything from the past few months, and now I think we're just honest-to-goodness friends, to where I could call him up and we could hang out, which is what I've been wanting and what got so screwed up before. And now I'm on the softball team of Kristy's so I'll be spending the summer just hanging out with all my friends.

And I've got Ducky. I mean, I don't have him. There's really not anything we could ever be. I'm in Connecticut, he's in California. It's as simple as that. But still, we talked on the phone again tonight and we were on for almost two hours. I've never felt a connection like this. We're making plans for while he's here and I can't wait for it. I'm still nervous about prom with him though. Just not sure what to expect. All I've ever done on dates with guys is stuff like dinner, arcades, movies, stuff like that. Never anything like this, in front of all these people I know, all of that. But I know that this is what I want, to have a real date to my prom. So I can ignore all the nerves because I know it'll be a great night.

I just can't seem to erase the smile off of my face lately, and I like that feeling.

I hear about runaway kids all the time, like on the news or something. Never thought about it. It's not anything you ever thing would happen. I've got a good family. Everyone I know has good families. No one I know would ever run away.

And then it happened. Brett ran away. Someone in my own family, my family that I thought was so good and solid and strong, we became one of those statistics. Even though it didn't last long enough to end up on the news - thank god - it's still attached to us. We're in the police records. We had a kid in our family run away.

I spent the scariest three hours of my life driving around town. The town that I know like the back of my hand became almost unfamiliar to me as I couldn't even think of the most obvious places to look. Two great friends joined in helping me. Brett had so many people worried about him and all he was thinking about was wanting to leave and that we all hated him.

And I found him. He finally let everything just come pouring out. All this stuff building over the past few months for him, it finally feels like it's coming to an end.

He's home now. He's stuck by my side pretty close. It's ten o'clock, we're both exhausted, and he's in a sleeping bag on the floor in my room. He's back in our house, he's referring to it at home, and I feel like the kid I've grown up with, who I've thought of as a little brother the past few months, is back as well.

Between all the stuff going on with Brett, and with meeting Ducky, a pretty big day in my life passed without my even realizing it.

One year ago, I became officially out to everyone I knew. That was the day that Cary posted on the boards about spotting me and Gordon kissing. Everyone knew about Gordon. But no one knew about me. At that time in my life, the only people who I was out to was Allie, mom, dad, a few other family members, Barbara, and Gordon. I was scared of coming out to everyone else. Claudia especially. Even though us going out was years before, she's still the only girlfriend I've ever had, so I was worried with her, and just with everyone. I really had thought I could just go through high school not being out to anyone but those few people.

I remember being so mad after that post. I didn't even know Cary and there he was, doing something like that, something so life-changing.

As it turned out, it was one of the best things he could have done for me. Ever since then, once everyone knew, I felt more free to be myself. The guy I was with my family or with Gordon and Barbara, I could be that guy around other people I knew. And I was able to meet new people, like meeting Erica just about a month later.

And now, here I am, one year later, and I don't even know whether to take a girl or a guy to my senior prom. Not that there's any guys who are options anyway. But both Erica and Barbara have said that maybe I should find a guy, have an actual real date. Is that something I could do? Or do I just go the easy way out and ask one of my girl friends?

One thing I do know right now is that this has been a great year. The fact that the one year anniversary of it passed me by without my even realizing it says a lot. My outing last year isn't something that's looming over me. It just made me who I am today. And when I look at who I was a year ago, the person who hid himself from all but a select few in his life, and look at who I was two years ago, when I hid myself from everyone, I can't be anything but happy with how things are.

I need to update this thing a hell of a lot more, don't I? My last journal entry was on April 15th. Normally I'm fine going two weeks without a journal entry. I don't lead that busy of a life. But, my god, these last two weeks.

Since the last time I wrote in here, Brett has gotten worse, been better, and now he's back to being worse. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He stayed in his room all day today, only coming down to eat dinner, and he barely said a word during that. I was so hopeful after the dinner with Erica, I thought we'd gotten him back. Things just seem to keep going wrong for him. I want something good to be able to happen for him. Aunt Eileen's just about out of the hospital but they're staying there to finish things up, with her treatment and all. I talked to mom and dad today, they're really looking into moving here. Their house on Long Island is close to selling, but housing there is so expensive that they can't find anything they can afford. They like it here and they've found a few houses that they like. Mom and dad are going to go look at them this week. I'd love it if they moved here. When Brett's himself, we get along great. Having him around has been like having a little brother. I just hope we can have that again. He's basically mad at the world right now. He misses his parents, he's mad at them for leaving, he's mad at me and mom and dad for basically anything we do, he's mad at SHS for his not being on the jv team, and I don't know how to get him past any of it.

On the opposite end of my life, I started dating again. After giving up on dating, I ended up meeting someone on my own. The crappy part of it is that he lives in California, and he's four years older than me. We just clicked. I had such a great time the day I met him, the night I went out with him and Dawn, and on the date we took on our own. And after just one date, I had to go with Dawn today to take him to the airport. We've promised to keep in touch, and today, just before he went off to go through security, we kissed.

We've got distance and age working against us. But the way him and I are together, I've never had that with another guy. At least, not so quickly. Maybe I had that with Gordon. I don't know anymore. But with Ducky, I've got something. I don't know if him and I would ever be an actual couple, not with those huge strikes looming over us. But at least I've made a great friend. I hadn't realized how much I'd needed someone like him in my life until I actually met him. I hope this works out into something great.

I remember the days when I had a nice peaceful family. I miss those days.

Brett's been moody and sullen ever since we got home from Minnesota. He's been getting attitudes with all of us, and on Friday, he hung out with guys from the varsity baseball team. I think they did some kind of hazing thing with them, because he came home in an even worse mood than he'd been in when he left. Allie and I thought there might have been something like that involved. He's just not dealing well with all of this. We still don't know when his parents will be back home. They also put their house on the market. They haven't told Brett that yet but they're going to soon. They said when it's time for them to come back, they'll find another house or rent a place. Brett's lived his whole life in that house. He doesn't deserve this, it's just too much for him to have to go through.

Allie leaves for school today. She's been fine since we got back but I'm still worried about her. That breakdown she had, there's no way she's doing completely fine already. But maybe just getting back into school and back to her usual routine is what she needs. She'll be home for the summer, I'm so excited. I can't wait to have her back home again.

I need to stop worrying so much about the two of them. I know I do. But I can't seem to help myself. I just know that, if either one of them needs me, I'm here.

I know that Saturday isn't the start of a vacation. Going to Rochester to visit my aunt where she's been in the hospital for a month is as far from a vacation as you can get. But still, I'm kind of thinking of it as one.

I can't help but worry about how this will go. Brett says he's excited to see his parents again. He keeps things in though. He hasn't really talked about if he's worried or scared or anything. I don't know how he'll be upon seeing them. I know his mom's not going to be like she was when he last saw her. She's weaker now, she's lost a lot of weight, they said. And in the midst of what she's going through, and what Uncle Mike's been goign through, and what this is all doing to Brett, I still worry about how I'm supposed to act while we're out there. Do we just act normal, like we all were at Christmas? Will we all hang around at the hotel or at their apartment and just talk, and go out to dinner, and do all of that? Will Aunt Eileen be her normal fun self?

And even with all that worry, I'm still thinking of it as a vacation. Time away is kind of what I feel like I need, despite the circumstances of the time away. Erica and I finally talked. I think it went well. I don't know. It's been a week and I still really don't know. I finally understand why she can't trust me. I just don't know if we can work past it. This whole week, I've wanted to go hang out with her and I've felt weird about it. Maybe we just need some time after that big talk. I don't know. But I'll be in Minnesota and she'll be in Vermont. I think that'll be good for us. I'll call while I'm gone. Everyone will be together anyway so I can talk to everyone at once.

Allie emailed me about shopping on Monday. She's getting nervous about the trip. She hasn't said it outright but I can tell with her. She's pretty much only been talking about where we need to go at the Mall of America and how she looked up Dori in an old yearbook and about how her older brother is cute and about how she hopes dad rents a good car and not some minivan since she'll be driving it, all just little things like that. She hasn't really mentioned Aunt Eileen or any of the real reasons we're going. They're close. And Allie's doing the same thing Brett does, keeping it all in.

Ever since I got home on Wednesday morning, I've been trying to write in here, and I haven't known what to say. I still don't.

I screwed up with Robert. I'll admit that right out, I screwed up. I had opportunities to fix things, and I blew them. I kept hiding from it, not wanting to make any more problems, and instead, I made things worse. I just had no idea it was that bad.

I thought this would be my year. I started off the year so well. Great group of friends. I never thought I'd be this lucky. I had girls, I had guys, I felt like I had it all. And now, I feel like things just keep slipping away. I still don't know what's going on with me and Erica. We have to talk soon. We're just slipping away from each other. I told her that I would stop pushing and that I'd just sit back and relax, and all that did was pull us even further apart. And all the while, she's gotten closer to so many other people. And now, what's going to happen to us with Robert not liking me? How's that going to work? With the problems we're having already, her boyfriend not liking me?

Friends haven't come that easy to me. I've never made them all that easily. And when I do make friends, it seems like I have trouble hanging on to them. I say that Jeannie and Joanna just basically stopped talking to me. Looking back though, it wasn't that sudden. There were signs. And I did nothing. I'd walk over to their lunch table, where they were sitting with other girls, and I'd get ignored, or I'd just get a half-hearted greeting, followed by ignoring. There were the times I'd ask if they wanted to go to a movie, and in response, I'd get them looking at each other, doing that silent condescending thing, the internal eye-rolling, then I'd hear some kind of excuse. I'd say things and get the feeling they weren't listening to me. And then it just went away. Could I have fixed it? Was there something I was doing wrong?

All I seem to do is bother Kristy. Dori thinks of me like a little kid. Claudia just seems to deal with me. Logan and I used to talk some, now nothing. Robert doesn't like me. And I don't know what's going on with Erica and I, but it's not feeling good. I don't feel like I'm a part of her life at all anymore. I've got Barbara. She's my constant. The one who I know I'll always have. While everything else is slipping, it's only gaining with her, and for that, I'm so grateful.

I used to say that maybe it was just that I don't get along with guys that well. But then I look at me and Brett. I'm having the best time having him around. I wish it was under better circumstances. But it really is great getting to hang out with him so much. I feel like he's my brother already. So do I actually get along with guys, just not the guys I've tried it with so far? Or do I only get along with Brett because we're related? Have I just used the guy friendship thing as an excuse because it's something I'd never had before?

There's too many questions in this. I need to find more answers.

I've been trying to sleep but so many things just keep going through my head.

Gordon's been suspended. Something about sending Barbara notes. I don't know. I want to know, though. I feel like the guy who I was best friends with has all been a lie. I don't know what to think anymore. I just want to know what's going on with him, I've been in the dark about him for so long. It makes me feel guilty, like if it was going on and I was just blind to it. If I'd noticed, could I maybe have done something? There's also this part of me that wonders if maybe I'm associated with him. I was his best friend, too, and remained that way for a little while into their fight. It just makes me wonder if people think there might be some of him in me. I'm severing all ties I have with him. I'm even transferring out of photography, which is the class he took for me. After all of this, whatever it was that happened exactly, I just can't handle even seeing him for that one class.

I've felt in the dark about a lot lately. I'm not the person anybody goes to for anything. I hate that. I want to get past this, to where I can handle things better. How can I be a friend to anyone if I'm not someone who they can trust? I want to be a friend. I've gone to Erica and Barbara with my problems, but they don't seem to be able to do the same with me. I know it's because of how I've acted in the past in bad situations. I don't handle stress well. I'm getting better at it, I think. They've both been great friends to me, I want to be able to return that.

I'm jealous. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm jealous. My friends have found so many other friends and I feel like I'm just on the outside looking in. I'm happy for them. I'm glad that Erica and Barbara have more friends now, and that they have girl friends. It just makes me wonder where it leaves me in all of it.

I don't make friends that easily. Erica was the exception to that. It took me awhile to warm up into being friends with Gordon and Barbara. I messed up with Robert and Logan and that kills me. I let that all drift away. So I find myself clinging to the ones that I do have and maybe I'm clinging too hard. I know that things change, that relationships change. And it's good to find new friendships. But I also want to be able to be part of the ones I've had, and to have them be a full friendship. I'm ready to be somebody who my friends can trust to handle things. Otherwise, it's just a one-sided friendship, and that's not fair to anybody.

It's all boiling down to jealousy, I guess. Which is how I don't want to feel. And I don't know what to do. Do I just keep sitting back and hoping that things get better? Or do I talk about it and pray that it doesn't make things worse?

I just lost one of the best friends I've ever had. Two days later, I'm still not even sure how I feel. I know for certain that I made the right choice. The guy who came over to our lunch table on Thursday and said those things about Erica and Logan and Robert is not my friend. And the guy who has been hurting Barbara all this time is definitely not my friend.

I never thought the two of us would end up like this. I'm mad at him. Furious, even, or as furious as I really get. The guy who would act like that isn't somebody I want as a friend at all, but I've also known him as a friend. Not just a friend, but as my best friend. He was the first guy to reach out to me after being alone for a year and a half. And ever since then, he's always been there for me. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me. But then I think about what happened at lunch, what I heard from Erica, and the way he acted when I went to his house, and I feel like I don't even know him. I hate that he hurt Barbara. More than anything, that's what I can't get past. It took so much for her to reach out to her new friends and for hhim to come over and demean her for it is just unacceptable.

Everyone probably thinks I'm crazy for feeling upset about losing him. They've seen what a jerk he is. And I know that now I've seen it too and, as I said, I made the right choice, ending things between us. I can't help but feel guilty. I keep wondering how long I was blind to all of this. All this time, I was hoping that Gordon and Barbara would make up, I was telling them both that it would take time, but now, I definitely don't want it. I want him to apologize to her, and to everyone else, and for him to mean it. I just don't want him in my life anymore and that's so hard to handle when he's been such a huge part of it.

Everything's going to work out. That's what I'm telling myself. We'll all come out stronger. I told Barbara that it was now me and her, and it's not even just us, we have other people, too. My Barbara's finally doing what I've wanted her to do, finding more friends, and I couldn't be happier.

I feel like everything I've had with my friends is falling apart. I don't know what's been going on with Erica and I but I've felt it for awhile, we just aren't as close as we used to be, and it's killing me. I miss us being able to talk about anything, now it just feels off with us. Hopefully we can talk soon, or it will just better itself soon.

And now, on top of that, Barbara and Gordon are fighting. These two have been my constant for the past year and a half, it's hard to imagine them fighting. We've been our threesome for that whole time, I hate that something's breaking it up. Barbara's said that I won't be in the middle, and I know neither of them would put me there, but I'm still going to be there no matter what just because it's these two. I feel like I've already taken Barbara's side, but that's mostly just because I haven't talked to Gordon yet. I'm hoping to talk to him tomorrow, I called him today and he was on the way into work.

I know I shouldn't worry with it. None of it concerns me, it's problems betwee Gordon and Barbara. But I know that no matter how much I tell myself that, I still won't stop. These two have meant so much to me since meeting them, I hate for us to lose what we've always had.

Is it cheesy to do a "what I'm thankful for" entry on Thanksgiving? Well, no one reads this but me, so I don't really care if it is or not.

I have my best friend back. It took us a month, but the way we were yesterday and even just the tone of the email I sent her earlier tonight, I think we're back. And, really, that's what I'm most thankful for right now. The past month has been spent wih me pretending to be ok, and actually feeling ok, but not feeling totally complete. I missed her. Every day I've wanted to just call or email her and didn't because I had no reason, which never stopped me before.

My guess is that we won't be totally back until I prove to her that I can handle myself if something happens, like if she tells me that she is definitely going to Chicago. At this point, I can handle that. I won't be happy with it, but I will be happy for her. I will miss the hell out of her but I will be happy for her. I just have to be able to show that to her for us to be completely back.

For right now, all I know is, yesterday afternoon was one of the best afternoons I've spent in awhile and that's what I'm thankful for, today and always.

Allie just yelled at me. My sister yelled at me. She's never yelled at me.

I've ruined everything. Every good thing I have in my life, ruined. I've got to talk to Gordon, Erica, probably Robert and Barbara too, and who knows who else. I've got to make things right. I'll be home tomorrow, too shaken and exhausted to even try driving back now and I want to talk to Allie some more. Then I'll try and get things ok, back to normal again, if I can. I've got to.